sometimes i want to do too much. can’t i do it all? do i need balance? like this whole adventure coming back these ideas have been bouncing around in my head about what i really want. my truck camper is great for going to the national forests, parks, etc. though it’s not exactly the most discreet vehicle for parking in a town or city. i’ve been thinking of some sort of white van, perhaps the sprinter, would be much easier for all other times. i could have one that has a short wheelbase and maybe even the short roof so it’d be more efficient on gas and i could park it practically anywhere. only thing i’d lose would be 4×4 capability. everything else i could design or build into the van. and maybe gas could possibly be a little harder to find as it’s diesel but that’s not really an issue in most places. so for everything else other than what i got the truck and camper for (the primary reason, i think, it’s been so long i can’t be quite sure), it’d be fine.

do i change my mind too often? i’d love to have both, but where would i put them and would that really be practical? a home would be much more practical but where do i want to build it? in the forest with lots of land would be great, though i’d love something on the beach too! [side note: title this indecisions..] so do i sell the truck and camper and build a home? but even if i decide what factors are most important, where do i want to live? i love so many different places. the mountains, the beach, the forest, small towns, etc. i really want to start a community too. though do i need land to start with or can i just build a community around a group of friends? and go from there?

when i really come down to it, the most important thing underneath it all seems to be connection. i desire to feel connection to others, to nature, to god. what kind of connection do i desire the most? good question. a blank answer for now. all of it would be desirable. probably connection to god is most important, though everything really is connection and expression of god, so can i have that kind of connection in/through connection to someone else, to nature, to a community, etc, etc? what about the things i like to do? do they really matter? they’re fun at times, though sometimes get boring. i can make really beautiful, inspiring, or intriguing art, though where does it all go? what does it really matter? what am i to do with it?

i could live so many different lives and lifestyles. i could create whatever i want. but i don’t know what to create. i know i do want to see this world evolve and see humanity awaken. i know it’s happening. technologically, i’m seeing lots of small yet radical developments occurring that will lead to really amazing technology in the next 5, 10, 20 years. i can’t wait til cars fly, that’s gonna be fun! and until everything is much more convenient. like only having to carry one device that does everything devices currently do now plus so much more, including serving as a key, payment (if money or credit still exists in the future), etc, etc. perhaps the device won’t even be necessary. everything can be instantaneously available everywhere [just like consciousness but in the physical world — perhaps the devices everywhere will just know who you are wherever you are and there would be no need to login, carry a device/key, etc. everything will be stored in some mass computing cloud and every device will be linked to it, and devices would be placed everywhere. like say at a library, you go in to a computer and the computer automatically resets itself and sees/knows who you are and then brings up whatever you need. there’d be no need for personal computers at home, though you could have one – it’d be the same as the devices found in the library and all – they’d all simply be interfaces to the great computing cloud/machine that has everything stored and always available.] long side note there. but let’s continue on with it. technology is gonna be amazing. once we let go of all of our differences and are able to handle basic needs for everyone on a mass scale, without all this ego/competition/money stuff that’s going on in the world/society, it’s gonna accelerate so much quicker. everything could be made for the greater good without need to slowly release products to maximize dollar income for a company. everyone could collaborate on everything if they feel suited for such collaboration. with no need to hide and keep things secret from each other, we could work together so much more easily. there really would be no limits. imagine the technology we have today — what if we had this technology 20, 30, or 50 years ago. all these ideas could easily be tested and produced if we all worked together. things we don’t even know about now could be discovered tomorrow. or more like things we can’t even imagine now, we’ll be easily creating these ideas and technologies in no time. as soon as the idea comes and it’s flowing, everyone interested in and capable of helping would begin to create it and it’d be done in no time. we have so much today that’s just not being utilized properly. all we need to do is start working together and shift our energies [within and without].

okay, enough about technology. what was the other piece? oh, yes, the world awakening. i see it happening too. just little awarenesses and bits of change i see developing are all pointing toward the great shift that is occurring right now on earth. from people becoming more interested in sustainability, “being green”, and basically just caring about this planet, to people doing things for each other [without expectation of anything in return], to people becoming more aware in general to our great interdependency and connection. as more and more of us start to realize that we can all live as one, everything i mentioned about [and so much more] will begin to unfold and quite rapidly. it truly is a tipping point, but will become an overflowing point as we all go over the waterfall into a new life together. i’ve researched/learned/experienced/etc different techniques/approaches/understandings of this connection. one, the oneness university, who has a mission to awaken the world, through a phenomenon known as deeksha, has reported [a couple weeks back] that we now have over 1 million awakened beings on the planet. that is truly amazing as it was less than a year before the million that we crossed the critical threshold of 70,000 awakened people on the planet [earlier than expected or needed too]. this shift is happening very rapidly. when the mind no longer has control over humanity, earth is going to be so beautiful. there will be no more war, hatred, anger, or struggle. everything will flow effortlessly. not everything may be perfect as one might strive for, but everything will be perfect in a different sense, in that we will all see the perfection in everything as it is. and in doing so, we can truly [and easily] make a change.

so all these things. technology and a new peaceful world. they’re already happening. i’m here. i’m beginning to see the changes. i’ll continue to see the changes. what do i do now? do i need to participate in these changes or do i merely watch? if i participate, what do i do? where can my talents and strengths be best utilized? do i need to create new talents and strengths? it’s all a big dilemma i’m making out of it. perhaps i just simply live in the moment and allow things to flow effortlessly. by doing so, i’ll inspire others to do so. and maybe others will ask me about how to do so, and i can teach them or guide them to methods that can get them there. by allowing it all to flow, life will take me where it needs to. i know god is looking out for me. i’ve seen on countless occasions how divine grace has been taking me through life. whether i wanted it to or not. life has always taken me along with it. the journey is far from complete, and i know not where it might go [well, exactly, for i do have some general ideas]. i know i can decide and create the world i want to live in, though i’ve already created this one. and i like what i’m seeing. perhaps some of it could just go a little quicker :) though i do see it getting quicker!

i tend to always look for the end. the final solution/image/idea. the completion. but it never ends! but these things, when i discover them, always seem to be so great of an idea/experience/perception/etc that i think they’re gonna be the final thing. like i could end right there and be happy. but later on, after i’ve been in the same experience for a while, i tend to get bored with it. i begin looking for the next stop along the journey. and it appears. and i experience it. and i get bored again. and then i go on looking for the next thing, yet once again. it’s all this cycle it seems. it’s been like this for quite some time. years, decades, perhaps lifetimes! is this what life is all about? or just how i’ve chosen to experience it?

do i make an effort to change or just allow it to be? it’s been quite a journey, especially when i truly allow it to become one. it can be quite amazing. though i sometimes don’t allow myself to fully experience it, to try to not get sucked back in to it! perhaps a part of me is afraid of where it might all go. it could go anywhere! that’s the thing! it could truly go anywhere. anywhere i allow it to. so that’s why i’m letting the changes go slowly. but i might push down on the accelerator a little more. i know i can handle it. at least a little quicker. i could do so much. i know when i step into the feeling of the flow of life, i can allow it to take me along for the ride. i won’t resist it and it’ll happen so much more smoothly. it was always meant to be smooth, yet i don’t allow it to be! time to stop that. i’ve been to all 48 contiguous states with my truck and camper. time to decide what’s next. i can’t say i’m waiting for the next trip. yes there may be another trip or two or three or whatever, but i can’t sit around waiting for it. i’ve been working on all these things that i wanted to do and getting them out of the way. just so they’re not taking up space waiting for me to experience them as i said i was going to. i know i could simply change my mind and not experience them, or experience them just in my mind, but i’ve been actually doing them. most of them are done, but there are still a few things on the list. and the remaining ones were more of maybes than yes i gotta do them. so now’s a good time to start creating the life i desire. i’m starting to see it happen. little pieces seem to be aligning. and i know i’m gonna be there very soon. [and i’m enjoying the process more so too. at least i’m not resisting it if not overly embracing it fully!]

so it’s funny to watch these conversations with myself [or monologues if you prefer] unfold [funny i typed that as un fold but then went to change it to unfold.]. i always tend to be brought to where i really need to be. it’s all part of the divine plan to get me to where i’m going. i know god is looking out for me and on my side. [that’s a great perspective to have, by the way. these writings are all filled with lots of little tidbits, some so subtle no one will pick up on them consciously but subconsciously you’ll be getting the message you need. anyhow, back to the great perspective: how you choose to see god or the divine in your life makes a huge difference. just how you choose to see yourself, life, the world, etc. i cannot stress more than anything to choose a positive perspective over a negative one. just try it for a day, a week, a month, a year, etc and see what a world of a difference it makes in your life. my life has had dramatic changes since i started looking on the brighter side of things]

just took a quick step outside of the camper to take a short video clip of the environment around me as the sun has set [a short while back] and i noticed a hint of nice colors remaining in the clouds from it as it begins to get dark]. which brings me to exactly what i needed to explore now. i’ll be glad to get back home as i can call this trip done. and stop doing these video clips. i feel i have to as it’s part of the documentation of the journey as i have plans to make films from my adventures out west last year and now my adventure to the east. but this is all what’s been happening above. and this seems like this is the very answer to my desire to “speed it up” [in terms of life, my growth/experiences, etc]. all i have to do is stop holding onto the past. its that simple. i didn’t even know exactly what word was gonna come out after holding onto until i saw “the past” come through my fingers and onto the screen. by holding onto these old ideas [and, in effect, trying to control what’s happening], i’m recreating this old experience. perhaps it all was part of that desire/experience/creation to happen a certain way [it most certainly was as it did happen that way!] but i try to hang on to it, as the idea seems so good at the time and i really want to see it happen. but i get lost in the process. i get tired of waiting when hanging on to it. and start participating to try to make it go quicker. rather than relaxing into the moment and just allowing it to happen! if i get great photos and videos, awesome. if not, my perception still needs to be awesome. i’ve got to surrender attachment to outcome. just say it’s gonna happen, know it’s gonna happen, and let it happen. rather than try really hard and struggle to make it happen. that’s striving, not arriving. allow yourself to have the experience. don’t force it. it’s that simple. i know it’s that simple. i’ve experienced things flowing so effortlessly in the past. now i’m going back to past experiences again! but just as a means to illustrate this point. is this really for me or for someone else? we’re all one anyway, what does it matter? this whole thing is friggin’ hilarious to watch. so many levels going on at once. levels of what? of things going on in my mind that are creating and affecting this experience.. all these little things are getting in the way. despite my efforts, i know i’m breaking through to you. it’s not that hard is it. of course. sometimes it’s so simple. it could be like that all the time. i’m just beginning to write whatever flows through me. and it doesn’t always make sense. i try to stop and watch it unfold and think about if it sounds like i’m crazy before i write it or say it. no it doesn’t matter if you’re crazy or not. this whole thing is crazy, once you truly understand it. so are the crazy ones that ones who are truly alive? and the “normal ones” not really living? some might say that. okay, so where does it all begin and end. in the moment? yup sure think of it like that. it’s really more than words can understand isn’t it? okay, stop trying to control this conversation and demonstrate your brilliance otherwise it’s not gonna happen as brilliantly. you’ve just got to allow it to happen. all the time. all you got to do is connect with the flow. and then the flow will go with you. [if that makes any sense] it’s all so simple. just allow life to flow. if things in your life aren’t flowing, remove them or change them until things begin to flow. it’s more about letting go isn’t it? okay no answer, i must have stopped the flow. i know i did a while ago. it’s really a matter of shifting perspective. sometimes i can’t type quick enough. actually probably most of the time. i really ought to record these outloud. i’ll start doing that sometime. i’ve seen myself as doing this a while back. i thought it was a little crazy. i even did some test runs. not everyone go them i’m sure. i don’t know if really anyone watched them except i heard of someone watching it and not really seeing it the same way i saw it. anyhow, lets stop all this thinking stuff and just allow life to flow. allow yourself to flow, from a higher state of awareness/consciousness, outside of your mind. i see little spurts of it every so often. i know these “waves” are going to become more and more frequent [funny as i saw the word become, almost becoming, come out on the screen when i thought of writing be come or something, i forget now. am getting lost in other thoughts. i gotta get the conversation with marla online. there was some cool stuff in that. the best part happened before i knew i was being recorded. then i was watching it. i talk about it in there. but it’s still good. it’s about getting these messages out to others. we can all break free, together, at some level, from whatever level we’re at. we can always ascend to a higher level. we’re doing it all the time. we can speed up that process. that’s what we’re here for. that’s why i showed up here. to help and to watch. to experience and to live in the moment. to be the moment. the moment is amazing. life is the moment. all in the moment, never in the mind. that’s a good little phrase. maybe i’ll post it somewhere.]

now: 20:45:18. began writing this at 19:47:44. it’s getting dark now. hopefully a little cooler so i can get to sleep. just gotta let go. let it all be. it’s all amazing in the momentÂ…