[side note: once again, don’t force anything. or really just step outside of yourself. of your need to force it, or resist it. i just got out of bed, and it wasn’t quiet earlier, and i still felt tired. though in feeling tired, and continuing to dwell in it, i wasn’t able to tune in to the words that i wanted to come out. i know the words wanted to come out because i felt inspired to wake up and write something. perhaps it was last night, perhaps i could have written it then, though it seemed like i’d be more clear now, though perhaps i’m not, as i am a bit tired. so the lesson could possibly be to not put things off. to live fully in the moment. to engage with it, trust it, and know its going to take you where you want to go.] i can see a part of that in some interactions in chicagoland, and at other times as well. the most important thing is to live fully engaged in the moment. life is awesome in the moment. everything flows perfectly. there is no thought of what to do [or perhaps very little, but its not a burden]. life is effortless [to a certain degree]. it just unfolds on its own. perhaps not everything is ‘perfect’ as the mind wants it to be, yet it unfolds perfectly and smoothly and it all ‘makes sense’ or feels right in a sense. expect the unexpected and be okay with it. be ready for anything. in the moment, you are. when you step out of the moment, you lose contact with it, and things could easily slip by. i noticed multiple times when i wasn’t in the moment, or i was lost in a different moment, rather than the present moment [or perhaps it was part of the moment but i wasn’t engaged with who was there with me], and i missed what they said or missed the opportunity to let spontaneity flow through me and have a better interaction and experience with the other person. it’s good to notice that i can notice it, that it can happen, that the moment can slip by. it’s the first step. the next is to decide to stay in the moment. to choose to be present, to engage, to interact. to be unafraid, and step outside of one’s own ‘stuff’. that’s really all it is that gets in the way, is one’s own stuff/junk/drama/thoughts/desires/etc/etc. once one surrenders them to the present moment, one can be much more aware and engaging with what is. resistance falls away. do not resist. it gets you no where [funny as i began to see the word ‘know’ or know-where come out of my fingers unto the screen.. that is what happens.. resistance gets you into the part of you that wants to know, the mind. the mind pulls you away from the moment. its a balance of knowing when to use one’s mind for whatever it can help with, if anything :), and staying present in the feeling of the moment. it can be tricky, especially as i do very analytical and technical work, and find myself in front of a computer screen for many hours of the day. more and more i realize the need [okay need isn’t a great word, but in this perspective of not having/choosing it, it seems like one].. the need, or better, the importance, of doing things to stay out of the mind. that must be the balance. going out and exploring, seeing where the feeling takes me. [the couple nights i went to the sound healing at kristin’s were great as i followed the feeling to get me back to joe’s place rather than check the map. i ended up going different ways, both times, than i had gone in the past, but the feeling guided me there and i didn’t need to check the phone. the first night the phone was in the trunk of the rental car so it worked out that i couldn’t check it unless i stopped and went to get it. at one point, at least each time, i recall feeling almost lost or uncertain as the road was changing and didn’t seem to be going in the right direction, yet i kept going forward without turning back and got to where i was going. also went a different route without checking the map the last day finding my way back to drop off the car. i remember doing that a lot in the past, as i didn’t have a phone with gps, and rarely checked maps. i remember sometimes it being fun to check the map when i got back home to see how far i had gone after wandering for hours.] okay, forgot where i was going after that tangent. i’m sure it will come back to me. it’s all about surrendering back to the moment and allowing it to flow. [or i could go up and look at what i was saying before for inspirotion.. hnmmm.. lets see what decides to flow through] ahh yes, i had some great experiences. it was pretty busy and i was feeling pretty overwhelmed and tired, almost worn out, by the monday afternoon before i left. i learned that i really gotta take it easy, relax more, and not allow myself to get caught up in stress. especially as everyone at the office tends to get very stressed out over all the little things that are going on as the company is expanding. most of these things i’ve known, just allowed myself to forget. i’ve always known the importance of relaxing, though in being around others who aren’t relaxed, i’ve tended to take on that non-relaxation. community is very important. i’ve know that, and have truly embraced it in the past, though part of me has resisted it at the same time, as i’ve been traveling and haven’t been settled down in one spot in quite a while it seems. [i have, but only for months at a time, and i feel i want to be somewhere where i can say its gonna be permanent, even if it ends up not being permanent. its more about the feeling. i know what i’m resisting. i’m resisting losing friends, or not being able to see them after a while. i’ve allowed that to make it harder to connect with others and make deeper friendships and bonds. i love the connection so much that i resist it. it can be so amazing, though when its gone, it hurts so much. but i suppose i must realize i have grown since past hurts and ought to just take the step forth and by deciding that i’m living in the moment and allowing it all to unfold as it does, it will all work out perfectly. part of me knows i’m always taken care of by a greater force, though part of me doesn’t fully trust it. perhaps its from the past hurts and resistance to experiencing those again. it’s been more than once that i lost great connections with others. yes, perhaps some of them i could have gone back to, and some friendships i’ve attempted to rebuild, or more of just re-connect and spend time together once again, and it’s been cool and has been great to see old friends again. though i really appreciate a community of others on similar paths who i can hang out with, bond with, support, get support from, chat, join, etc, etc. it’s awesome to participate in activities, events, and just run into others in a great community. it feels like home, family. i miss the spiritual communities in chicagoland when i come back to florida. mostly it is the friendships but also the events we go to and participate in are great and healing too. i’m going to explore the communities down here and make friends here. part of me almost says i could go to chicagoland and just stay there though i really dread the long winters. if winter were only like a month then i could do it. though there is a really different feeling down here too. the air seems fresher. i love the water and the parks around here. it is a very beautiful place compared to the congestion, overpopulation, crime, drama, dirt, etc, etc found in big cities like chicago. no not all parts are like that — some parts of the city are very nice and have a great feeling to them, though there’s so much going on in the realm of thoughts and anxieties in the city, that i allow myself to get caught up by them. perhaps it just the old me that i’m looking at too, as i recall it being worse in the past, or just resistance of some sort, though i’ll have to explore that later if i desire. i know i could just be making excuses too, but.. took a few seconds there to feel more into what was going on. still not 100% there yet, though it feels like i just connect more with the nature down here. there are some nice natural parts up there though i like to feel the aliveness of nature throughout the year. the dreariness and cold make it rather difficult for me, especially when surrounded by so many others and their thoughts and anxieties. sometimes driving into the city, or just getting closer to it, i can feel this huge burden or weight of anxiety coming upon me. there’s so much going on in people’s heads that gets in the way. and all that going on is so close to each other. it truly is like going into this huge thoughtsphere. though i suppose i can learn to go of it. [before going into this idea, i wanted to mention that it was great to see it from the plane. i flew from o’hare and recall seeing the houses and areas when we took off, seeing the chicago skyline in the distance, and then looking down a couple minutes later and seeing midway airport, and noticing just how dense and on top of each other all the houses were. so much of the green disappeared and became replaced by the manmade as the houses were compacted up against each other.] back to letting go of it, i feel like i was able to surrender from my perception of the chaos when i engaged fully in the moment. maybe that’s all it is. is stepping out of the mind and into the present moment and one isn’t affected by all the thoughts and chaos going on. one disconnects from it. after going to the service at bodhi, i went to brunch with marielee and had a great conversation and connection with her. i just decided to live in the moment, and the conversation went in a direction that helped me do so as well. i love exploring these ideas, and just allowing them to flow through me. sometimes when i write they do too, but its great to engage in person with someone else and allow the words to flow through in the moment. we sat outside the restaurant on a somewhat busy street — at first, i thought it might be too loud, but for the most part, i barely noticed the cars coming by. i must have been pretty into the moment that they didn’t bother me as much. it’s really just shifting focus and attention. also, i began to forget that others were sitting on the tables next to us, or not worried, as i would previously had, especially when conversing about spirituality, consciousness, the mind, world, etc, etc. it’s awesome to see that i’ve become much more comfortable discussing these things with others. perhaps part of it is just surrendering to the present moment and allowing it to flow. at that point, the mind is not there stopping me from saying it. its funny when the mind does that, thinking whether or not it should say something or not. it was great too as i barely slept the night before as i ended up sleeping that night on the couch at joe’s and it wasn’t very comfortable and i also had set the alarm and had to deal with it [and as i no longer uses alarms to wake up, it can be difficult to wake often thinking i’m going to miss it or resist even having it there or whatnot]. i’m grateful joe made the suggestion to get the rental car as i may have not done as much without it. marla invited me to a kirtan chant circle at her friend andrea’s which was really great. i’d only gone to one kirtan a while back but with many more people. this was nice as there were only a few of us and it was great to participate in the chants and feel the energies. it was interesting to see it all unfold. i hadn’t made lots of plans, just figured i’d go to the sound healing and blessing at kristin’s if i could borrow a car, though ended up going to much more which was great. there’s more i want to write, though i’m losing focus as i know i have work i want to do and am thinking about eating breakfast too. overall it was a great experience. especially in what i’m learning, in really just deciding to get back on the path, continue forward, stay present, and embrace the moments. these last couple years seem like i’ve just been getting all this other stuff that i’ve wanted to do for a long time out of the way, so i can embrace what i want to do now. perhaps i could have just not done the other things, but part of me still wanted to, and i didn’t want to live with regret of not having done them. i know its all exactly as it needs to be. and realize that parts i don’t fully understand will probably make total sense later on when i see where it was taking me and why i had to experience them as i did. sometimes these lessons appear multiple times in different ways to one might have the opportunity or chance to live it differently. it’s interesting that the first full day in chicagoland i got a text from my sister that my dad got laid off from work. now i’ll have the chance to spend more time with him and make the relationship better. it seems like i had the opportunity a couple years back when he was in the hospital and recovering afterwards, but then we both went to our old selves. it’s funny how all the pieces come together in this divine plan. i’ve wondered recently about god-realization, and it seems the beginning steps in the path is realizing the presence of god in everything and everywhere, such as in realizing the grace that was there and every little thing that had to take place for this moment to occur. in just knowing it, seeing the pieces come together, and just feeling the deep connection to everything and everyone. i’m sure i’ll elaborate on it more and explore it in the near future, perhaps here in writing, or in experience. the glimpses i’ve had of it are amazing and i know my connection will deepen as i continue to grow on this journey we call life.

just had a thought.. what if everyone i meet in this lifetime is someone that i previously met in another lifetime [and agreed to meet, on some level, in this lifetime] [parts of the great conversation earlier with Marielee seem to be processing..]


what an adventure life is, when you surrender to the moment. some moments up, some down. sometimes both all at once! it’s a great experience. just learning not to resist it, nor get too caught up in it. as that occasionally happens. but it’s all perfect as it is. learn to see the beauty as it is. the perfection in all of it. the suffering only occurs in the mind, in its desire to see things a certain way and not seeing that particular way in a particular time. learn to shift that perspective. know that there is no good or bad. everything merely is. it is simple. yet difficult all at the same time. if one allows it to be. it need not be anything. that is the key to awareness. it doesn’t have to be anything. don’t look for it to be anything in particular. allow it to be what it is, and embrace what it is fully. yes, you may have preferences and goals. though don’t get caught up in them. they will manifest when you surrender to what is now. a goal does take you away from the here and now if it is something that is not here and now. think of it more of as a future plan. yes that is what it is, you may say. a desire to experience something in the future. but let it go. feel what it’d be like to experience that in the future and then let it go. forget about it. and when you arrive in the future, you will have that experience. if you surrender to the here and now. if you don’t surrender to the here and now you are not living fully in the moment. and these experiences can only be created in the moment, in the feeling, the divine connection to all that is. its all out there, everywhere, yet nowhere, all at once. it is all one. you are merely shifting perception from one part of the whole to another. you are already connected to it. just need to access that connection. and its not something you can think about. it can only be done. like these words coming out. i can see where they’re going sometimes, just a few words ahead. sometimes a bit further, sometimes not at all. i tend to look slightly ahead so i can have an idea of where its going. so i’m not fully 100% in the moment, but i’m allowing them to flow through. there is still the filter of the mind watching it. i can see the mind watching what’s happening here. i didn’t intend to write any of what i just wrote. i thought it’d go in a different direction but i would have had to think to make it come out. i rather just let it flow out naturally and effortlessly. [that’s how it all should be. there really is no effort needed. everything is all connected in flow when you’re in tune with it] so i just let these words flow out as these were the words that were coming to me at the time. so even this has an element of surrender. all great works are probably done as such. surrender and let the divine take over. it is far greater and more powerful than the mind.