2019 March

i had an interesting experience waking up this morning, or thinking i was waking up.. i woke up and heard some sort of audio program or video playing on my computer where someone was speaking some words and everyone on the call (or in person if it was a live recording?) was repeating the words. it felt kinda strange for so many people to be blindly repeating the affirmations or prayers or whatever it was, and i didn’t know who the speaker was now that i think of it. and then i realized that was still part of a dream at another level.. i was dreaming and woke up within a dream to realize (or wake up again) that i was still dreaming! if it would’ve been another level of waking up, it would’ve been like in the movie inception where they go multiple levels deep into dreaming within a dream. i’m not sure if you’ve seen it.. it is good in how it portrays these multiple aspects though having hollywood action elements to it there is a little violence i think, but its not really bad like other movies. the metaphors (or realities expressed or hinted at in different ways) are really great in regards to this, and it also looks at not even knowing if one is dreaming or not. it was interesting as at first i didn’t know i was dreaming but then i just woke up or realized i was.. not sure what caused it, it was really just a happening, like awakening can be for some, without any direct cause that the mind can know or understand. it was just like an expansion or stepping out of that false reality into a greater reality, awareness, or understanding/wisdom. and then it was interesting as having known this i could still almost linger in between worlds, the dream world and this reality (if one could call it that as it may just be a dream too) where i know it was a dream.. and from the in-between state of knowing both, it felt like i could continue to create the dream more if i wanted to but it was also difficult to keep creating it after knowing it was just a dream (difficult being in a sense.. not that it really was difficult, but it was like why would i want to).

i think this is why there’s almost a little bit of a fear or wondering what will happen as i awaken to greater levels of consciousness and awareness.. as when i realize this whole thing is just a dream i may have this similar experience as i linger in the place where i’m still here in the world but also beyond this unreal world, and i may not feel inclined to stay as i know it isn’t real. and in thinking back to some of the experiences i’ve had where i’ve had experiences of transformation and awakening, one time i was actually starting to ascend out of the body and leave until someone at the course asked what i was doing and he said i was leaving my body and then i felt myself come right back in to it.. though another time after a more advanced process i found myself in a place that felt like i was at a higher level of awareness (or in a higher dimension/plane as my friend who guided me through the exercise described it), and i felt like i had no desires and no resistances.. i just quietly was there and everything simply was. i sat there for a while just watching the world around me from this place of no-mind awareness and everything was totally calm, quiet, and peaceful. i think people were working on their own processes and talking in the background or whatnot, and i was completely undisturbed or affected by any of it. i just saw it as part of the surroundings as i gazed out to the world. [an interesting aside, i remember that when i was sitting there totally calm, one of my friends there whom i had liked (and was interested in a month or two earlier) had said now she actually likes me.. it was funny as it no longer mattered to me (nor did anything else) as i was completely at peace without desire or resistance] it was just before lunch break and most if not all people had left the large hall/room by the time i got up from where i was sitting on the floor. when i got up and started to walk out to the hallway, the experience/perception was as if i moved and then the body followed. i wasn’t confined to being the body or the mind.. i was the spirit and i could flow (around the general area where the body was), and as i floated or flowed in the direction i wanted to go, the body just moved and followed to keep up with the spirit.. i didn’t have to do any of the motion of the arms or legs or anything.. i was the spirit/soul/consciousness/energy that moved (either invisible in the physical plane or on another more subtle / higher plane), and then the physical body followed. i don’t recall exactly what happened after that.. i remember seeing a friend and someone else from the course there and hugging them both on my way to the hallway as i was feeling so free with this ‘new’ perception (and they could get some sense of how / where i was). i probably ate lunch and integrated the experience that afternoon.. i’m sure i had other experiences later too as the whole course/workshop was filled with profound and healing experiences, the most transformational, healing, and profound things i remember experiencing so far in this life.

anyhow, went off on a bit of tangent describing that second experience there.. though getting back to where i started exploring it, i didn’t feel like i wanted to just leave this reality after having that experience as it was just so amazing and beautiful to be here having this experience of life on earth (and have new perceptions of this reality). so it is interesting to wonder what may unfold as the journey continues and consciousness expands/grows. i suppose it all depends on how or where one is looking at it from.. the time i was leaving my body, or when i’ve had thoughts of maybe not coming back after knowing this is a dream, may be arising when certain aspects of life aren’t working.. and i just see that it doesn’t matter anyhow and might just take off and completely stop creating this whole illusion. though if it is working and i’m relaxed, comfortable, and enjoying it, then i’m more likely to stay and just experience it as the whole universe is then a worthwhile creation to continue to play in. i know some say one’s own happiness matters and some say it doesn’t in spiritual growth, though it may possibly be a determination of where one goes as one does grow, ascend, expand, etc. and perhaps all i described was merely just one particular aspect or viewpoint of one particular experience and its completely different every time and for everyone, regardless of any particular similarity or difference in subtleties.

i feel now i must’ve expanded or healed or grown in some way as the words are able to flow through to describe all of this.. recent resistances and obstacles had prevented me from being inspired or creative for quite some time, and now those must be lifted as i’m having this able to flow through me (although not entirely effortlessly, yet the words are able to flow through). i think it comes from the letting go and release of things or aspects in consciousness that i was seeing as burdens.. like all the thoughts about what to do about elements of my physical reality that aren’t perfect or were seemingly unhealthy or limiting in some way were more of what was actually limiting me rather than that the perceived limitations — perhaps it was the resistances and perceptions or thoughts themselves that were more limiting than the actual physical limitations.. as i’ve been letting go and surrendering and accepting where i’m at and being less attached to whether i’m able to do anything in particular (like accept that maybe i just won’t go to any of the community events if i’m not able to find a good car at a good price), i free up the energy and attention that was consumed by these thoughts/feelings/emotions/resistances/etc, and i have more free energy/attention to naturally tune into this creative flow and inspiration. i know i know all of this as i’ve gone through this sort of thing in all the healing + transformational work i described above, though its nice to experience it again. sometimes we can get so caught up in our own perceptions/beliefs/thoughts/etc that this gets us stuck inside the mind in a sense… which is interesting as most of the time the mind is empty and quiet, though the underlying feeling must still be there in consciousness even when we’re not having any of the thoughts and emotions that might be arising strongly at times.. that underlying feeling or aspect of our consciousness is creating a block that may be invisible. we may know that there’s this thing going on in our life but until we fully experience it or let it go in some way, its affecting our reality and preventing the flow of life / the divine / the universe / etc in our experience of life/reality.

i don’t know what else i wanted to write about this at this moment, though its good to have another look at surrender and acceptance and be able to share this from my own personal experience. there are so many teachings out there about this sort of thing but the most important aspect is to have our own direct experience of it. the words can give us some direction but can never be a substitution for actually learning it and feeling it yourself. i remember back when i took the courses i mentioned above and had such profound experiences that simple truths like ‘feeling is healing’ would arise. its good to get back to some of those and to share them once again. it seems that there is so much stuff out there in regards to spiritual and personal growth and healing work and whatnot, so many modalities and teachers, that it can become so overwhelming to one who’s trying to make any progress in life if one is trying to follow someone else’s direction. yes these things can help in the beginning, though one really needs to embark on one’s own inner journey and allow it to all unfold rather than continue to be reading and watching others speaking and sharing new techniques and methods. stick to what you know works and continue to explore through that method if its helping you. now i’m not saying that new things are bad as there is some great technology unfolding in the physical world, though in the realm of consciousness and higher awareness, things tend to become more simple the further we go. all one really needs to do is feel the various aspects of life that one may be resisting. yes some techniques can be quite powerful to help bring those to awareness especially if they’ve been long suppressed, though do not forget that the greatest teacher lies within. follow your heart and ask for divine grace if you feel stuck, and dive wholeheartedly into whatever it is you may be feeling or resisting, and you’ll make it through and discover the peace and bliss on the other side as you surrender and let go of your resistance. as you work through and feel and release whatever may be in your consciousness, you’ll naturally become more aware as you free up your energy. with this greater awareness, you’ll naturally start to see and realize new levels of perception and capacities as consciousness/spirit in a human body. there’s no need to seek these directly, and trying to seek or force any of these on your own may only hinder you in your own growth and expansion. it’s all a very natural process.. just feel and embrace all aspects of yourself unconditionally and you will be free. [and in being free you may just discover that there really was never anywhere to get to but the here and now]

 

..it seems as though, in this world, consciousness creates the illusion of a problem in order to have the experience of transcending it

 

stillness is not different from silence, is not different from contentment, is not different from joy

 

This Is Immediate Sadhana — As You See, So You Are Free