this is everywhere i went in the first 180 days* of actual driving in my fiat 500e.

* counting nights i arrived home after midnight as part of the previous day when i left

i had an interesting experience last night during a dream. [and perhaps this experience is still continuing now (to a subtle degree), as i just got out of bed to write it, after pondering it for a bit.. as i just heard noise in the other room that seemed to be a distraction now at this point that i want to write this.. and i’ve experienced that other times too, distractions from my parents in the other room when i’m exploring something or other here.. its almost like part of them doesn’t want me to grow, as i notice the distractions when i’m exploring something new.. though i do imagine it could also be my perception of them not wanting me to grow (from what i’ve seen before in the past and have been conditioned to think having very often seen their limited perspectives on life) that is causing it in those moments too… which has all been related to the struggle i’ve faced recently of currently not having my own home or a good solution for a home or land where i can park + build a tiny home..]

anyhow back to the details of the experience, as much of them as i can remember, as its been some hours now.. i thought of getting out of bed to write it down after/when it was happening, though felt i might not be able to get back to sleep afterwards [as i’ve had some issues sleeping multiple times in the past couple weeks, though it has been better these recent days and i’ve been napping a bit more, partially as i’m not seeing anything i can do to move forward and feel i don’t really have anything else i can do in my life while i’m waiting for something to unfold in the world for me to take the next step, and also partially so i can stop continuously looking for an answer or solution with something that currently exists in the world that really isn’t a good option (and stop trying to make something work thats not going to end up working well long term or that i still am missing an aspect of, such as a place to be able to park whatever travel trailer or vehicle i’m considering).. so i’ve been just napping and sleeping more these last couple days to try to avoid running around in circles looking for something that’s not there yet, and hopefully (by stopping the doing and striving) be able to face whatever it is i’m feeling (or resisting), so i can feel better and not want to just leave the planet (because i don’t want to continue being stuck and feeling there’s no point to staying here if i can’t simply move forward in a direction i want to grow or explore in life)].

anyhow, i was in a dream and though things were strange in the dream, like i was seeing that some things didn’t quite make sense or match up with the experience i knew to be true here in the physical world, it felt true or real enough in the dream that i stayed in the dream and kept going along with it and experiencing it as if it was real. (and, though i don’t remember all the exact details, i do remember seeing that it was just the mind processing different elements from the day or my life in a different way) after a little while in the dream, someone said something to me that didn’t make sense, as i knew it wasn’t true in my daily physical world experience.. often at this point in a dream, i’d feel myself quickly departing as i knew it was just a dream and there was no point in staying in it any longer as it wasn’t real.. though, i sat there pondering it for a while, looking at if it could be true in some sense (if i recall correctly, though perhaps not), and realizing it was just a dream, but still lingering there looking at it from a detached place.. almost like the dream itself was on pause as i wasn’t in it, though i was looking or thinking or pondering about what happened.. but i was at a place where i could almost go back into the dream, and part of me was trying to go back to see what would happen next in the unfolding of the story, but then i wasn’t able to, as part of me knew it was just a dream and i couldn’t go back in to the illusion knowing it wasn’t really real.

i almost forgot to write.. after this dream experience i had what felt like a profound experience (that i don’t recall all the details of).. where i think i was in a place of white light, and there was some sense of things (like the dream or aspects of it) dissolving into the light (i don’t quite recall exactly how or if i’m describing it well, but it felt something like this). i think from that place i did feel more of a sense of source where i was dissolving these things or experiences into the light, and where i could create new ones too (from the light?). i wanted to write more about this part as i do recall it being a profound experience and this is what i wanted to actually share rather than the details of the dream (which i had forgotten until i went looking for it shortly before getting out of bed to write this) or what it reminds me below or the preface above.. but i think being awake now with distractions of the physical world, i’m not quite remembering the exact feeling or details of the experience [hmm, re-reading this, i had the thought something like: perhaps in the physical world i’m forgetting source to see what just plays out on its own (in this story/dream of life)]. though it was a nice unexpected way to remember being source of this all. i’ve had profound experiences in the avatar course of this, though haven’t practiced any of the exercises or tools in quite a long time.. which brings me to what i wrote below about remembering an experience (that i had written before adding this paragraph with the most important part of the experience last night that i almost forgot as i went looking for the other details).

this reminded me a bit of a powerful experience i had at the beginning of the avatar course, where i was being taken through a series of exercises to ground myself into feeling (i think that was the purpose or intention).. and at the end of the last exercise, i recall feeling that (having broken through whatever resistances were previously there) i could live from a place of feeling, and that i was already starting to.. and the more deeply i dove into that, the more i was feeling more open and expanded.. then a little into that, another master came over and asked what i was doing and said that i was leaving my body (and i immediately felt myself come back into my body).. afterwards (and maybe during too, its been quite some years now, i don’t recall exactly) the world appeared brighter and more beautiful. (i recall not long before the whole experience at the course i was having thoughts ‘i love myself’ as an affirmation but then immediately after the thought ‘and i want to die’ would follow.. maybe having felt a way out to just live from feeling without the body or mind, i was trying to dissolve into that. afterwards, the master who was guiding me through the exercises asked if i had done energy work before, and i said no, but felt (maybe?) i had in a past life).

i ponder all this (and there was more that’s not coming to me at this moment), as i was wondering about where i’m at it in life and my spiritual journey (and how i did steer away from the spiritual growth for some years), and wondering if i need to first take care of my own life and create a life i enjoy and love, so that as i continue back along the spiritual journey i don’t end up trying to leave life again the next time i experience awakening more deeply (and realizing this illusion isn’t real). perhaps thats also why i don’t seem to have had such profound experiences as others lately.. either that i’m already awakened beyond those experiences other have had, or that i’m resisting feeling the energy or shifts as i’ve stayed grounded here in the body since the experience i had where i was told i was leaving the body (though i did have another profound experience later in the advanced course where i felt that i was the spirit moving and flowing, and that the body simply followed), or perhaps a bit of both (as i’m both already awakened and choosing to be grounded here to be able to experience more of everyday life.. or perhaps its also, as i do recall being drawn to the highest level of bodhisattva (where one waits for others to awaken before entering heaven) and, that i’ve chosen to forget enough of who i really am to a degree as i wait for everyone else to catch up and not get left behind.. or that i just want to explore different paths to awakening and need to forget enough in order for the new/next awakening experience to be effective…. but i think i’ve explored this already in other recent writings and i’m going off (the rails) on a tangent here). [i think there was more i was pondering and wondering and reflecting on, though i added the paragraph a couple above that i almost forgot before writing this one, and i now don’t remember this part.. it seems that sometimes going off on the tangents and exploring in multiple directions at a time can get us lost along the way (or it just takes longer to find our way back home doing so.. perhaps its part of the challenge of seeing how far one can go and still find their way back home, though that itself is another tangential path to explore)]