[i was thinking about exploring who i am or what i want in life for a while though hadn’t gotten to it. last night while on the phone with a new friend, DeAnne, she said something at one point about me not knowing what i want, so i felt perhaps i should explore this this morning]
so what is it that i really want?
i sit here and ponder how to write the next chapter of my life. i’ve been desiring a few things, a few changes. part of me feel torn in deciding what really would be best for me right now. simply, i just want to enjoy life. and i’ve gotten to a place of having a lot of peace in my life, after surrendering attachments and things that were no longer serving me. so now that i’ve freed up this space, what do i create? how do i live my life?
i could simply sit here and live a peaceful life and i’ve had the experience of feeling that it’s totally fine, even just when i’m here at my condo and not doing a whole lot. i no longer have the need to go out and do something necessarily just to to make me feel better. nor do i have the resistance to being here and being bored. yes, sometimes i may feel a little bored or lonely, though most of that is gone. i’ve been able to accept it.
yet at the same time, i don’t want to just sit here and do nothing. part of me feels i should or could do something else with my life. so i ponder what is my purpose. what am i here to do with life? at least right now, or in the coming years. where do i decide to go?
so many speak of doing what one loves or is passionate about to make one feel happy or enjoy life. i look at what really moves me, and what i really enjoy. and some of it i am experiencing now. i do really like having alone time, or more specifically, quiet time, away from the chaos of the world. and i have a lot of that now. and i do like exploring nature and the beauty of it. and i do get that now. i enjoy biking, and there are really nice paths here to go to a couple of local parks without crossing the major roads too. it’s quite a beautiful area. i really enjoy that. i don’t like my immediate area as much as i’d prefer to have my own home on my own land rather than live in a condo building with the parking lot right outside. though the beautiful area and being able to bike around here partially makes up for it, and most of the time it is quiet and peaceful here. if i were to change it, i’d find somewhere where the immediate area was more natural and peaceful and quiet. i like my home to be a sanctuary or a sacred space. somewhere i can go to escape the noise of the world and relax or do as i please. if i want to engage in the noise of life, i’ll go out to places that are loud where i find that. though i really enjoy and like my home to be quiet and peaceful, unless i’m choosing to turn on music, watch a movie, speak loudly, etc. though i don’t want any outside influences happening at undesired times to affect my space. going back to nature, i do bike to the parks on the lake here and through paths that are usually fairly empty which is really nice. i look at if i were to live somewhere else if i would have such a beautiful area to bike in, and i realize a lot of places might not have paths or trails so that would be something important to consider if i were to move elsewhere. though i look at if i were to travel [more about that later], that i could go to beautiful natural places and find those types of paths or trails too. i enjoy living here as there are a number of really nice parks in the area or not too far away. i often go out by the gulf and its nice to be able to drive less than 20 or 30 minutes to various quiet or natural spots by the water. sometimes there is a little traffic to deal with though its typically not that bad when i go. and when i go exploring, i do engage in creativity with my photography or occasional writing too which is something else i enjoy. i also see that i have a nice feeling of community here over at the flowering heart center, and there are a few other spiritual communities too though i haven’t gone to them in a while.
so i see i have a lot working and that i do enjoy already. but what else is it that i long for in life? before going there, i see that a lot of what i desire, in what i do have and in what i seek, is connection. a deeper connection, one that i can find in a quiet space such as in my home, or out in the beauty of nature or by the water, or in a community, or in a close intimate connection with another. i feel that this last part is what i really desire. to have a deeper intimate connection with another. it’s one of the most important parts of a relationship that i desire to create with a girl. there are many other aspects too that i’d like to share with her, though with a deep connection and to be truly in love, so much of the other stuff no longer matters. it seems that everything is based on love. whether its something we do, or something we feel for ourselves, or for our own life, or for the world, or something we share with another. i look at the times i’ve felt love in various ways in the past and its when i’ve felt most alive. i feel the most aliveness has been when i’ve been in love with a girl or when i’ve been engaged with a community or friends that accepted or loved me for who i am. feeling this love back from another allowed me to open myself up and shine forth who i really was. then all the things i enjoyed doing naturally happened. it seems that often we look at what to do when it’s not really what we’re doing that matters. it’s how we’re doing it, from a place of love. when i’ve been surrounded by friends and just having fun and being me, it felt natural and was really a lot of fun. when i’ve been in a close relationship with someone whom i shared love with, it didn’t really matter what we did. just spending time with her, whether cuddling, laying in each other’s arms looking into each other’s eyes, cooking or eating out together, going on an adventure around town or traveling further away, watching a movie, talking, whatever it was, it didn’t really matter. it was just being in that place of feeling love for each other and feeling that love returned. that was the aspect that truly mattered and made a difference. it was the feeling and the being, not the actual doing. the romance, the adventure, the fun, the intimacy, the connection, the sharing of life was all great but love was what made it feel so beautiful. that is what i truly long for. someone i can share a beautiful life in love with. and from there we can create whatever experiences we desire to embrace, share, and experience in life. it’d be nice to have some compatible perspectives on life. we don’t have to have the exact same viewpoints on things though just ones that are somewhat aligned to be able to create and share the experiences we both desire. so that’s something else i can explore..
so what is it that i enjoy doing or how do i see the world?
some of this i’ve already mentioned above. i enjoy adventure and exploration. in various forms. it’s nice to go for a ride around town to someplace new or that i haven’t been to in a while. it’s nice to go on further trips or across the country or even around the world. however while i do like traveling, i do also enjoy staying locally too or just hanging out at home. i think this comes as a part of being in love, either with another or by loving and accepting myself where i am. with this love, some of the urge or need to travel disappears. though i still really do enjoy the adventure of travel and it’s been a lot of fun, especially to go someplace i’ve never been to. part of this desire to travel is why i got a truck and camper a few years ago, and more recently i’ve seen videos of a few couples who’ve been living life on the road and thought that’d be really neat to do. i’m not sure if i’d want to do that long term or not, though i do like the alternative lifestyle and how beautiful it’d be to wake up in many beautiful new places and go exploring every day. i have yet to explore many other countries though would consider doing so at some point. i think for now, i’m more interested in exploring here as it’d be much more cost effective to be able to travel more and it’d require less planning.
i like to have some idea in life of where i want to go though i don’t like be burdened down by plans. it does feel to be a lot more fun to be spontaneous and either not plan at all or only plan a little bit in advance. i also feel that if someone i loved wanted to do the planning, with my input or knowing my interests, i’d be okay with that too. though i don’t want to get too caught up in the details or feeling i have to follow the plan or keep on track. that’s really the part about it that i don’t like. is the burden of feeling limited in time and having to get from one place to another by a certain deadline. i like to really embrace the experience of where i am in the moment, and thinking of needing to do something by a certain time really limits my experience and then i’m thinking through the experience rather than fully being present in the moment and embracing all that is in the here and now. this freedom and flexibility is really important to me as it affects how i experience and enjoy life. in the past i’ve had so many times of being burdened down by something or other that i didn’t feel i fully experienced what i could have in the moment. i enjoy spontaneity and if i get curious about something, being able to go explore it. it’s fun to see a place on the map or find a path or trail and feel drawn to it and just go down it. if i have to think i’ve only got a certain amount of time before i need to go somewhere else or do something else, then i feel i need to focus on that so i can stay responsible and make certain i do what i said i was going to do. so in short, it goes back to what i said earlier. if who i’m exploring with doesn’t mind not planning or wants to gently or quietly keep track of the plan and time, then i’m fine with that as i can still feel the sense of exploration and freedom.
so that was a bit of a tangent on spontaneity that i chose to explore. so this is how this sort of thing works. i got interested in that or was feeling that and its what came up. if i chose not to write about it or explore it because i had to stick to some sort of plan of what i was trying to convey here, then it wouldn’t have been the same. in looking for someone, i realize a lot of girls, especially a lot of who i’d be interested in who are in their mid to late 20s or early 30s, may be thinking of having kids. i’m really not certain if i do want kids or not, and a lot of it is because of this whole freedom, flexibility, and spontaneity. also a part of it is financial as i know there can be many more expenses in having children and having or needing to create more income goes back to the whole idea of freedom, spontaneity, and living in the moment. i don’t want to be forced to have to go to a job i don’t like just to survive in this world. i see too many people do that and they aren’t happy. they’re living out of a place of need, struggle, or having to do something. rather than embracing life and creating the life they desire. a lot of people feel they need to do this sort of thing because that’s what society conditions them to do. all they know is the whole basic pattern of what most others have been doing in their lives. i do see this whole area starting to change as more people awaken to new possibilities, and i’m really drawn to exploring these unique ways of living. i’m really interested in sustainability, especially complete self-sustainability and off-grid living, and not relying on anything outside of one’s self to in order to exist. so then one can put one’s energy and focus on what one really desires in life rather than in doing something one might not like just to earn money in order to pay for the essentials to exist, and sometimes, for many, get caught up in purchasing many things one doesn’t really need because they think it’ll bring happiness but it never does for very long. so going back to the whole idea of children, i felt into it the other day and pondered on what it was that was giving me the viewpoint of not being sure about wanting children, and the past viewpoint of not wanting children. i feel a lot of it is what i said above and part of it is also wanting to make sure i could bring them up in a good place as so many of us, myself included, had experiences in growing up that were less than ideal. and i wouldn’t want to put anyone else through a less than ideal experience. yes i realize life is not perfect though i do strive to simplify it and make it as ideal, or coming from a more positive place as possible, than otherwise. i feel if i was deeply in love with someone and we had shared a beautiful romance and deep connection for years, then at that point i could feel more open to having kids though i’d also likely be totally fine without having them as i currently am. sometimes its hard to know exactly how one will feel in the future for there are so many experiences that will affect how we’re feeling between now and then. before knowing or deciding what i want to do regarding this, i’d like to have and share the deep connection first, as that’s where everything originates from. and from a place of being truly in love with each other, as i wrote above, a lot of the actual experiences in the world really won’t matter. it’ll be experiencing the world from a place of love that makes life really beautiful. i also feel in being so close to someone else, that it would be much easier to share whatever aspects of life we want to create together. we’d engage in the world as a team and be there to support each other rather than trying to figure it all out on our own. and we might not agree 100% on everything, though from a place of love it will all work out. looking at another aspect of life, for example, i wouldn’t mind living in a city or a more densely populated place if i was with someone i loved. yes, i’d still prefer to have someplace more natural though the feeling of being deeply in love with someone would overcome a lot of the obstacles of living in a place that’s not 100% the most ideal. and i think that in a case like this, it would allow for more adventures and travel. in at least one of the videos i watched recently about couples who were living out of a van or traveling, they spoke about getting so comfortable in living in a nice home that they might not want to go out and explore the world. and i’m not saying either is good or bad, though just exploring multiple perspectives on it.
exploring multiple perspectives leads me on to the next aspect of this exploration which is that itself. i love to explore, yes i believe i said that above, though not just as in going out in the world and exploring, but also in exploring ideas, philosophies, viewpoints, ways of seeing the world, possibilities, etc — much of what my photography, writing, etc are all about. i feel that in this exploration we open ourselves up to new ways of seeing the world, and let go of limiting perspectives, and sometimes see things that were always there though we were blind to. i could ramble on a lot about this, and will keep it short for now, though this is really part of personal and spiritual growth. as we become more aware of various aspects of ourself, we expand our awareness to higher levels of consciousness and gain new insights and direct experiences of what this whole thing we call life really is. we’ll also learn that we are all interconnected, and coming from a higher place, can create great change in the current world and make it a truly beautiful place for all of us to live in. so that was really short and didn’t touch on a lot of what it could have though i’m getting a little tired of sitting at the computer typing this and am feeling my next adventure awaiting. and that’s how a lot of this works. our intuition, or divine guidance, or inner feelings can guide us and effortlessly take us to where we’re going. i see this is a much more effective and very much more peaceful way of going about life. i see so many of us get caught up in having to do things, and a lot relates to what i wrote above about most people being conditioned to think they have to do so in order to live life, that we don’t truly live or fully experience or embrace the beauty of life. i love to see beauty in simple things. and it feels so liberating to have less to worry about or keep track of. society has grown so quickly and so many of us have gotten so addicted to modern technologies or solutions for things that we don’t really even need. if we step back outside of ourselves and look at it all, we’ll see this and realize that none of these external things that we chase after are even real. they don’t define us. they don’t make us happy. it’s all an illusion. only we, ourselves, can make ourselves happy. it’s a choice. we can choose to go about life happily or we can be stuck looking for external happiness.
so back to the other adventure i just mentioned. i’m feeling like going out to one of my favorite parks around here, honeymoon island, and going for a walk. i was originally thinking of writing this out there though i felt by the time i got there and went through traffic and was actually there i might not be feeling like writing it, so i chose to write it now before going. i think i mentioned above that i enjoy nature and parks. it feels so long ago, i don’t even know exactly when i started writing this or how long it’s been. i love getting lost in the moment. that’s what i’m talking about with spontaneity and freedom and flexibility. i like my life to flow effortlessly. yes sometimes there are challenges but i do my best not to get caught up in them. that doesn’t always happen, though as i learn to surrender and let go of resistance and allow a force higher than myself to guide me, all the pieces of the puzzle come together. the universe is in perfect order when we allow it to divinely unfold. still trying to get back to adventures.. i’m open to exploring adventurous activities like zip-lining, riding personal watercraft, skydiving, etc. i haven’t done too much in this realm and am not too attached to having to do any, though if i meet someone who’s interested in them, i’d be open to trying them. i’d probably enjoy them as i’m sure a lot of these things would be fun or would give me new perspectives on life. which is why i’d also be open to living life on the road. when i lived out of my truck camper for 10 weeks from chicago to california and back to florida, and the following year for 3 weeks from chicago to maine to florida, i liked seeing and exploring new places, though i missed the connection with another or community. i loved seeing beautiful places in nature though without having someone to share it with, and sometimes without having an internet signal to connect with the outside world, and without having a community to participate in regularly, it wasn’t as nice as it could’ve been. this is why i came back to florida and ended up buying my condo. so i could be settled down in one spot and be able to meet other people and find a community, friends, or a girlfriend to share the beauty of life with. it was also much easier not having to go looking for a place to park and sleep undisturbed every night. and there are some beautiful places in this area that many other parts of the country don’t have.
i’m feeling it’s time to take a break though i know this doesn’t feel complete. there’s much more i could write and i have to scroll up to see what i even started talking about when i asked the question of what i enjoy doing or how i see the world. for the most part, its basically anything coming from a place of peace, exploration, or fun. i like meeting others who are awakened, on a spiritual path, open to higher awareness, have a conscious perspective on life, or simply have a good attitude and are nice or sweet. essentially i’m looking to meet someone who is coming from the heart or who wants to open her heart to me as i open my heart to her, and who desires to share and create a beautiful life together. i don’t know how all the exact details will look though life is our canvas and the world our playground, and we can share an amazing journey and adventure together, should we desire and choose to.