why do we choose to suffer?

all suffering really is by choice.

as i was adding old photos to my website, i came across some old photos of myself though much younger. in some shots, i looked so innocent, so happy. i hadn’t created the depression for myself yet. it truly was all created. i chose to believe certain things about my experiences and others’ experiences and basically told myself i couldn’t be happy unless _____. so i kept striving for that something that would make me happy. and you know what, it never would make me happy. if it did, it would only be for a little bit. once that satisfaction wore off after having accomplished something or gained something, then i would strive for the next goal, the next thing to make me happy. this cycle became never-ending, and even part of this quest today is probably a part of that same cycle. happiness is chosen. i am re-learning that though after quite a while of choosing unhappiness, i forgot and had to remember it once again.

back to beliefs.. it was all about beliefs. beliefs caused by past experiences. or chosen by past experiences to be more precise. be aware of who and what you surround yourself by. i picked an environment that wasn’t particularly supportive of being happy and being. more than once. in art school, i found myself surrounded by others who were not always very happy with their lives. in fact, a lot of them were unhappy. in the work i chose, i found myself surrounded by others who weren’t happy either. my friends ended up being pretty nice for the most part, though were living by their own limiting beliefs. i started to pick up some of these beliefs and define myself by these beliefs and think this is how it’s supposed to be. perhaps a part of me wanted to share in those limiting beliefs and experience a form of depression like everyone else just to fit in. whatever it was, i realize that i chose it.

so i look at my life today and realize where i’m at and what i have chosen to experience right now. and i look at whether i’m happy with it or not.

i realize i must stop trying to force the words out. this whole thing so far has been pretty forced. i come up with an idea, sorta feel it, and then i’m trying to force it out with the mind and put it into a logical order. you know what, it’s not about logic or order. it’s about feeling. so let’s feel this out and let it all out the way it decides to come out on its own. if it doesn’t make sense, so be it. only you can decide to be happy or not. that’s it. pretty much all i’m trying to say here. so choose it, or don’t choose it, though know it is your choice, and don’t complain about it if you’re not happy because you picked it. yes, i picked a lot of times in the past when i wasn’t happy. and i’m not always completely happy now even, though it is my choice and i accept it and take full responsibility for it, and choose to turn my life around to a place where i decide to be. one that i desire. one of happiness, joy, and fulfillment.

now, sometimes i’ve tended to chase after things because i thought they’d bring me happiness or peace. and, sometimes those things got bigger and bigger. such as becoming super-wealthy, being the world’s best photographer, being better than others, etc, etc. okay, let’s stop exaggerating there, although part of it wasn’t, some of it was. so i kept trying to out-do myself. and i know i could do it, though it’d be an uphill battle trying to get there because i’d be fighting so hard as i’d be attached to the outcome. you want to know how to enjoy yourself and be happy? detach yourself from the outcome. it’s that simple, really. when you no longer care if you win or lose, what others think of you, or what you think of you, then the process is much more enjoyable. you eliminate these filters that you are seeing the activity and world through, and you begin to see it for what it is. the world really is bright and beautiful. you just gotta clean the filthy lenses you’re looking through to see it. and yes, that means get rid of those beliefs that don’t serve you.

how do you know if a belief serves you? does it make you happy or does it make you feel better when you see the world with that belief? yup, that’s it. that’s all ya gotta ask. so go ahead, ask it. see what ya get out of it. start cleaning out the closet of all those beliefs. and guess what, with an emptying closet, you’re making more room for those empowering beliefs that can help you experience the world the way you want.

(hope this makes sense.. i typed most of this up with the computer screen off as to not add any light to the time-lapse shot you see below or attract bugs!)