“through the fisheyed lense of tear stained eyes i can barely define …….
and far from flying high in clear blue skies, i’m spiraling down into the hole in the ground where i hide..”

i’ll have to admit, despite sounding familiar, i did have to check the quotes, as i am not terribly familiar with details of writings and who authored what.. kinda funny, even in art and photography, i recognize work but not the titles or who created them.. i understand the links of what i wrote to anarchism, though i wouldn’t say i believe in anarchy.. i tend to avoid discussions of politics and religion, as i feel in order to truely argue and validate a point, one must have a good comprehension of all forms of religion or politics..an understanding i can’t say i presently hold..

which brings me to a response to how i dislike certain aspects of social life yet enjoy friends.. i’ve noticed the tendency for others to point out that i contradict myself with certain statements or arguments… i believe it is due to the fact that i want to understand all sides of the story….as part of a desire to comprehend multiple perspectives and experience many perceptions… i must fairly often fail to explain this and it appears to be a contradiction.. i suppose i see benefits from all aspects.. i see this extended, or perhaps a better word would be portrayed, or visualized, through my photography… with its many looks and constant development of new techniques..

i believe it all developed a long while ago in my desire to ‘fit in’ with everyone else, and upon recognizing my failure to do such, i began to realize how so many of the aspects of what i had so desired were not what i truly wanted.. they just weren’t compatible with who i really was.. i suppose somewhere along the way, possibly before, during, and even after, the realisation, i suffered a depression from the lack of the socialization i once desired.. one might even venture to say this depression is what caused me to falsely recognize differences between myself and those apart from me, to mentally and emotionally soothe myself into feeling better.. yes, i can admit, perhaps that was a part of it.. i can trace it back to what could be classified as childhood traumas that led me to those conditions.. alas, one day, i must have decided to change it, as i found myself beginning to randomly speak with peers that i had only know by seeing them around or sharing a class with.. this did eventually lead to behaviour that could be considered a tad obnoxious..when around certain individuals .. i suppose this was the over-exaggeration of what i couldn’t previously experience.. .. i’m beginning to lose track of where this was going.. i’ll say that yes social interaction is a good thing.. i suppose whenever i say it’s not is due to me slipping back into old habits or acceptances of non-socialisation.. the bad part of being alone is that when it hits you hard enough, you no longer recognize how much help it is to go and do things, and begin to slip into a void of containing yourself in one location..almost begins to feel like laziness at times, actually.. i’ve been looking forward these past couple/few weeks to going back north.. this existence here hasn’t been nearly as pleasant as i had so desired or imagined.. i have sat here for too long.. i was working on my images for quite some time, but lately i must have just become too conditioned that i lost a bit of creativity in terms of what to do to break free of this routine.. i hope when i get back that it’ll almost be a fresh start and i’ll find myself going uphill again..

this has been a bit of a departure from what you had written.. i did mean to somehow link it closer though it somehow slipped away… too much running through my head again.. it’s funny.. i saw a friend this weekend who was discussing the similarities of depression, stress, anxiety, and obsessive compulsion.. i had never really sat and thought about it, though it makes a lot of sense as i’ve experienced all and i can feel how they are all related.. i remember leaving notes for myself to tell me to relax and how much i’d enjoy it, though it’s so difficult as i never feel i can relax until i accomplish the things running through my head.. i suppose this aspect of obsessive compulsiveness is related to my desire to understand all perspectives.. have i possibly told myself this too many times that it’s now a necessity? if only i could force myself to want to truly understand the opposing side… perhaps one day true happiness awaits me.. i can only hope i’ll choose to cherish it if it happens to pass my way.. kinda funny thinking of it like that.. i recognize so many chances past by that could have been … that i somehow managed to let slip away due to lack of responsiveness… this must be why i’ve grown to despise lack of responsiveness, as i’ve found myself in this state countless times.. will i ever break free?

this must be why i find myself so wanting to break free of ‘the system’ .. though i’m always seeing it as the systems around me that i despise.. when it must be the systems i’ve created within me.. if i could break free of those then i’d be happy.. even with what might surround me..

so where does all of this fit in? …. the overpopulation.. well i’m not quite saying to start anything crazy like eliminating people.. i never believe it right to harm anyone else.. and tend to find myself worrying about the smallest things if i said something right as i don’t want to upset anyone else.. so i wouldn’t want to start killing anyone off.. it wouldn’t even be necessary… in this country alone there are over two billion acres of land.. say you cut that number in half and then divide by how many people we have here, that’s still four acres per person.. divide it some more if you want, there’s still more than an abundant amount of land for everyone to exist.. if ya calculate it over the entire world, i’m sure there’ll be sufficient acreage per person… i suppose my previous argument was due to what i thought to be a personal disliking of congestion… which is probably in part caused by what i discussed above in regards to desires to alleviate myself from ‘the system’.. i suppose i can say that collective survival does have its place.. i may have mentioned it in the past…i’ve had thoughts of creating a place that could serve to assist in the collective survival of artists and photographers.. i agree you should help others… though i believe in doing so on an individual basis rather than helping a group, as i feel you can create more impact individually.. i enjoy speaking with individuals and helping or teaching them.. or merely listening and providing some guidance.. i suppose i can say i believe in many of the basic moral beliefs that catholics believe in, though i no longer follow the religion.. i grew up being forced to go to private school and church…. back then i felt i shouldn’t be told what i have to do… i suppose i would have been more prone to follow it if it were something i had discovered rather than been dealt onto my platter.. i tend to have a disliking to the part of where you take care of your family as parts of the past trauma i delved into are related to what they did, and i feel i must exist apart from them in order to avoid any future occurrences.. i suppose i feel that due to what i know about them, they wouldn’t have a desire or ability to understand if i had attempted to explain my vantagepoint.. perhaps also a part of me doesn’t like to tell people how wrong they are, again due to aspects related to past traumas..

thanks, i do appreciate the kind words.. i’ll have to let you know when i get to make those images available.. i hope the images themselves can live up to the words i used to paint the experience.. i know i could make the images exhibit such qualities, though so many accumulate and it is very time-consuming… ahh yes, back to i described in the beginning..

yes it would be fun to be a cameleon .. when i first read your email, i was thinking it’d be fun to be a bird for similar reasons.. plus you’d get to experience seeing the world from more delightful physical perspectives as well.. perhaps in the possibility of being a ghost in, or for some part of, the afterlife, one would be able to have such experiences.. funny what you mention about a variety of friends.. i’ve had quite a variety myself.. i suppose its due to my ability to understand many perspectives.. though it does get a bit problematic when you need to figure out who might be compatible with who if you’re going to see different friends at the same or nearby times..

alas, i shall depart.. must prepare for a voyage south… yes i am aware i am in the south.. going even further south for a few days… goin’ to that conference.. should have already gone to wander around on the way down but ’twas not how the cards happened to fall..